Welcome to Worst First Messages!

In this day and age, everyone and their brother is on a dating Web site. And if you've been on one for more than five minutes, you've gotten them - those unbelievably lame, skeezy, and unintentionally hilarious first messages from people whose goal is *supposed* to be attracting you rather than making you run in abject horror. This blog is for sharing the utter joys of those messages.

If you've gotten a message like this on any dating Web site (or even a similar "intro" message on an instant messenger or through e-mail), take a screenshot, edit out any identifying names/user info and send it to worstfirstmessages@yahoo.com, and if it's hilarious, I'll post it! If you think your response is particularly witty as well, feel free to include that, too. Make sure you also tell me who to give credit to for the submission, if you don't want to be anonymous. You can use your real name or a screenname, doesn't matter to me. If you don't specifically tell me who to give credit to, I'll just keep it anonymous.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Resistance is Futile

I'll start things off with a tale from my own life that's a crazy SECOND message. Well... second message through 13th!

I met this charmer on a popular dating site. His first message to me was reasonable enough, so I sent off a short but nice enough response. It was bedtime for me, so I logged off and went to bed.

I woke up in the morning to 12 notification e-mails from that Web site. He had sent me not one, not two, but 12 messages. I'm a zaftig woman and am happy with myself as I am, so I enjoy dating men that like women with my body shape, but this was just insane. Here are his messages:

Oct. 16, 2010 - 1:06am (in response to the message I'd just sent)

lol I want to know what you were talking about. I'll tell you if you tell me. I can be open. You are completely gorgeous. please...

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:08am
lets talk about this.

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:17am
I'm completely interested in you. My secret is that I'm shy but a freak! lol. I'd do anything for you ;)

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:20am
My tastes are all for your body type and your personality. I love that you're really just a big beautiful woman! MMMM, lol.

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:22am
Sorry for asking so many questions I just pictured you as being really amazing :D

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:26am
sorry if this came off weird, I didn't mean it to.

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:30am (system message)
user [edited out] added you to his favorites and wants you to know. Since you haven't saved him, you have some options:
Add him to your favorites, and let him know
Add him to your favorites, without letting him know

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:31am (another system message)
I gave you an award!
If you accept my award, it will be added to your profile. If you reject my award, I won’t be able to give you another one. Check out your awards page to see all your awards, and accept or reject new ones.

The Perfect Mix (award name)

(Award message:) I'm giving her this award because she has completely surprised me and surpassed all my expectations already, she is sweet and sexy :)

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:32am (back to messages from him)
I'm really sweet it's just I'm also really passionate and find you to be amazing. I just wanted to talk about that because you told me finally and I wanted to know what you liked and what you didn't like.

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:36am
I have a secret fetish for big women but you are proving to be way more than a fetish. I think you're sweet and that's what gets me :)

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:41am
I hate this I get all into it and people think I'm a creeper or something I'm not. I just like every part of your body and your smile. You are so sexy. You are exotic to me. I feel addicted I want to grab you to release my anxiousness.

Oct. 16, 2010 – 1:53am
I like that you're bigger than a normal bbw. That's the biggest turn on for me. You must be so soft and squishy and cute. I would love to cuddle up next to you all the time and never leave your side.

Gee, you want to "grab" me to "release your anxiousness" when we've exchanged all of 10 sentences? Well, who could say no to that eloquent expression of romance? Oh, wait. Me!

How to Send in Your Messages

The kind of thing I'm looking for:

Essentially, introductory messages from someone you've never really conversed with before who says something unbelievable, thinking it will make you interested in them.

If you want to submit YOUR worst first message, it's easy to do.

1) take a screenshot of the message. (Through Nov. 2010 or so I'll be allowing text submissions as well, just to build a foundation of hilarity while I find more content, but after that it will be screenshots only.)

2) crop it, if you can, so it only shows the message you want to share and then attach it to an e-mail.

3) include in that e-mail any history
you think is necessary to understand the message.

4) also include a request to be credited for the submission, if you want it, and what name you want me to credit. It can be your real name, first name only, username, whatever you want. If you don't say something like "Please credit Jane Doe" or "Please credit Stargirl129745" I'll assume you want to remain anonymous.

5) send it to worstfirstmessages@yahoo.com.


This is the inaugural post of this blog. Welcome! The idea for this blog was spawned when my friends and I began trading stories of the worst "introductory" messages sent to us by someone with the intent to seduce and/or attract us. Some of these were first messages on dating sites, on instant messengers, through private messages on various web forums... no matter how we received them, they had one thing in common: we couldn't believe these people actually thought others would fall for their lines.

What better way to entertain the masses than to share the idiocy? I hope you'll find them alternately hilarious, nauseating, pathetic, and indescribable, and I hope you'll share yours as well.

This blog is specifically intended to not be hetero-centric, so I hope my LGBTQ readers will feel free to submit their experiences, too!

The next post will cover how to submit the messages you want to share!